Pushing Limits of Comedy-God The Father, Son and Holy Smoke

When I meet people for the first time, I try to let them know up front that I am NOT politically correct, and have a cutting edge sense of humor where nothing is sacred. With that thought in your mind, I give you a small essay on God and Death...hope you find a laugh or two in its reading.

On Death and Religion:

When you get to be my age you start thinking of death…No, I'm SERIOUS, and it's not funny. Of course, you start thinking about death, and you start thinking about religion. They just sort of go together, like Love and Marriage. That whole after life thing is a long time, I mean eternity never ends, and not sure we get a do over either, which is what gets you to thinking about that whole damn God thing.

So, I start thinking about religion, and that gets confusing, there's just so God Damn many of them to chose from…forgive me father for I have sinned. Seriously though, you got your Christians, your Jews, Muslims practicing Islam, or is it the other way around, and lets not forget about Buda, There's the Shinto, the Baptist, Episcopalians, and you cannot leave out the Wicca and Pagan crowd, and last but not least, we have to include Alito and the Catholic crowd who you can usually find standing just outside of a Planned Parenthood office just down the street from the Starbucks, and Gap outlet store.

Then each religion seems to have a bunch of off shoot factions, and I do mean factions within it, each waging war to prove theirs is the one true God. Bunch of Christians sitting in a Denny's arguing late at night, 12 fat chicks eating double chocolate fudge sundaes.

"I'm a Christian."

"So, I'm a born again Christian!"

"So who cares, I'm going to heaven" says another, "After all, I am a spirit filled born again Christian"

"Can you speak in tongues, that's THE GIFT of the Holy Spirit."

From two tables away you hear, "Who the fuck cares, shut up and eat your God Damned hash browns."

Denny's is bad, but don't even go into a Waffle House after midnight unless you like reading pamphlets and being witnessed to by three old drunk chicks and a former biker who swears he saw God one night while tripping on LSD…far out man.

The whole Muslim/Islamic crowd is just as confusing and divisive. You have your conservative Islam's, the moderates, then you have those radical Islamic folks, and lets not forget the rabid fanatical fundamentalist Islamic Muslim crowd who seem to have a passion for blowing up cars and themselves. Oh, stop your groaning, the Catholics are even worse, and I am not one to be politically correct.

Gays are in, gays are out, and if we are talking about gays, it must be the Catholic's turn. Let's look the other way about pedophiles, no lets don't, fuck, why couldn't Father John just have had an affair…Oh never mind, he did that with parishioner Bob's wife and they gave birth to a beautiful bastard child they named Mary. OK, no more gays in the ministry, but lets not issue any edicts about pedophiles and sex with married women who are feeling lonely in the confessional. Have to love that new Pope, banning gays from the church while running around the globe in bright red Prada shoes. What's that ALL ABOUT, and have you seen the cute young assistant he has, wearing his own styling pair of shoes? Seriously, the Pope needs to learn that little knowing wink George Bush uses if he is going to be wearing those kinds of shoes. Kiss, but don't tell, it's Gospel for the military crowd.

I like the idea of picking and choosing from the proverbial buffet table of religion, a smorgasbord of choices. I'll have one from here, and two from there…really like the Southern Baptist theory of once saved always saved.

"Come on Johnny, let us dunk you in the water, you accept the holy ghost, then we can all go out, get a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and drive around in the pick up truck tipping cows."

"At two in the morning we are going to meet up with the girl's from the choir at Denny's, and trust me, that is a whole lot of fun."

"Betty Sue's going to be there; probably wearing that flannel shirt you always like her in Johnny."

The Shinto's have that whole thing of God being in everything, blades of grass, rocks, and the water in the sea. Any one feel like skinny dipping, I think I want to get closer to God. I CAN FEEL THE HOLY SPIRIT WASHING OVER ME! Hallelujah, and THANK YOU JESUS.

Can I have a, "Praise Jesus" from the crowd?"

"Our Heavenly father who art in heaven shallow being thy name, and please can you pass the potatoes, and let's have and Amen so I can commence to carving up this roast."

My wife and I were married five years ago, and not saying we are confused and conflicted, but we had an Episcopal/Pagan ceremony. We were trying to cover all our bases, which make's sense, since we both had been married and divorced once before, could say we wanted to make sure we got it right and left no stone unturned..

She's Italian, I'm German, Dutch, Irish, with just a bit of Basque French, and there are tales of a love affair that made father one quarter Jewish, and to hear Grandmother tell it, it all had something to do with a German Shepard and involved a really big staff. Which just might explain my fetish for short dark haired Jewish women who wear really hot shoes? It's OK though, it works well with my passion for German women who do not shave under their arm pits, and pale skinned red heads with lots of freckles. Of course, being a good old farm boy from the Midwest, let's not forget a brunette with thick lustrous hair braided up in twin pig tails wearing a flannel shirt with a tight pair of blue jeans. I know, getting off track here, but seriously, women are a religious experience, I shout out, "Oh God, I'm Cumming" every time my wife and I make love.

So, how about those Yankee's? The way they have been playing the last couple of years the Yankee's do not have a prayer's chance of making it to the World Series this year. A Sunday afternoon, a double meat Philly steak and cheese hoagie, a bag of chips with a nice icy cold beer watching football, and most men know they have died and gone to heaven. Spring is here, college hoops are moving into that magical time we call March Madness, and I only hope and pray for a miracle, and that my team makes it to the final four.